get well soon!

i learned this morning that His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, has canceled all his engagements for the foreseeable future due to exhaustion. there have also been some reports that He has been complaining of stomach pains recently. you all know how dear the cause of tibetan freedom is to my heart and how i treasure this man, a truly physical manisfestation of love and compassion. i ask that all of you keep Him and His people in your thoughts.
it's a bit long, but i felt it in my heart to include the english translation for the Prayer for the Long Life of His Holiness the Dalai Lama. even if you don't believe in ... please take the time to read it as verse. it's beautiful on its own, without the need or expectation of belief. but if you feel so inclined to send the prayer to the universe, by all means do so. and as you read it, read it aloud to yourself.

Prayer for the Long Life of His Holiness the Dalai Lama

To the assembly of most kind teachers, both present and past -
the miraculous dance of the body, speech and mind of
innumerable Buddhas
manifesting in accord with aspirants' spiritual capacities,
the wish-granting jewel, the source of all virtue and goodness -
to you, we offer our prayers with fervent devotion:
That Tenzin Gyatso, protector of the Land of Snows,
live for a hundred aeons. Shower on him your blessings
so that his aspirations are fulfilled without hindrance. 


To the assembly of all meditational deities
manifesting as countless mandalas and divinities -
the magical clouds of immaculate, transcendent wisdom
reaching to the farthest expanse of the space of ultimate reality -
to you, we offer our prayers with fervent devotion:
That Tenzin Gyatso, protector of the Land of Snows,
live for a hundred aeons. Shower on him your blessings
so that his aspirations are fulfilled without hindrance. 


To all the victorious Buddhas of the three times
endowed with ten powers and who are even masters of the gods,
and whose attributes of perfection are the source of all compassionate deeds
benefiting the vast ocean-like realm of sentient beings,
to you, we offer our prayers with fervent devotion:
That Tenzin Gyatso, protector of the Land of Snows,
live for a hundred aeons. Shower on him your blessings
so that his aspirations are fulfilled without hindrance. 


To the assembly of sacred doctrine embodied in the Three Vehicles,
supremely serene, a jewel-treasure of enlightenment,
stainless, unchanging, eternally good, and the glory of all virtues,
which actually liberates beings from the sufferings of the three worlds,
to you, we offer our prayers with fervent devotion:
That Tenzin Gyatso, protector of the Land of Snows,
live for a hundred aeons. Shower on him your blessings
so that his aspirations are fulfilled without hindrance. 


To all members of the enlightening, noble spiritual community,
who never stray from the thoroughly liberating adamantine city,
who possess the wisdom eye that directly sees the profound truth
and the highest valour to destroy all machinations of cyclic existence,
to you, we offer our prayers with fervent devotion:
That Tenzin Gyatso, protector of the Land of Snows,
live for a hundred aeons. Shower on him your blessings
so that his aspirations are fulfilled without hindrance. 


To the assembly of heroes and dakinis, heavenly beings of the three worlds,
who appear in the highest paradises, in the sacred places, and in the cremation grounds,
and who, through creative play in the hundred-fold experiences of bliss and emptiness,
support practitioners in their meditation on the excellent path,
to you, we offer our prayers with fervent devotion:
That Tenzin Gyatso, protector of the Land of Snows,
live for a hundred aeons. Shower on him your blessings
so that his aspirations are fulfilled without hindrance. 


To the ocean of protectors endowed with eyes of transcendent wisdom -
the powerful guardians and upholders of the teaching
who wear inseparably on their matted locks
the knot symbolising their pledge to the Vajra Holder -
to you, we offer our prayers with fervent devotion:
That Tenzin Gyatso, protector of the Land of Snows,
live for a hundred aeons. Shower on him your blessings
so that his aspirations are fulfilled without hindrance. 


Thus to this congregation of excellent, undeceiving refuge,
we pray that by the power of this prayer
expressed from a heart filled with fervent devotion and humility,
may the body, speech and mind of the sole of the Land of Snows,
the supreme Ngawang Lobsang Tenzin Gyatso,
be indestructible, unfluctuating and unceasing;
may he live immutable for a hundred aeons,
seated on a diamond throne, transcending decay and destruction. 


You are the jewel-heart embodying all compassionate, beneficial deeds;
O most courageous one, you carry upon your shoulders
the burden of all the Buddhas of the infinite realms.
May all your noble aspirations be fulfilled as intended. 


By virtue of this may the heavenly doors of the fortunate era open
eternally as a source of relief and respite for all beings;
And may the auspicious signs reach the apex of existence and release,
as the sacred teachings flourish through all times and in all realms. 


May the nectar-stream of the blessings of the Lotus Holder
always enter our hearts and nourish it with strength.
May we please you with our offerings of dedicated practice,
And may we reach beyond the shores of perfect, compassionate deeds. 


Through the blessings of the wondrous Buddhas and Bodhisattvas,
by the infallible truth of the laws of dependent origination,
and by the purity of our fervent aspirations,
may the aims of my prayer be fulfilled without hindrance. 

get well soon!!

give 'em hell, joe!

my phone starts making some noise at 3:30 this morning. i'd been out and was enjoying my buzz by watching porn and eating cold pizza - hog fuckin' heaven! first thing i think : "who is booty-calling me at 3:30?". and in the fraction of a second that it takes for me to slide my phone open, i process whether or not it's too whoreish to answer a booty-call at 3:30 (no.) and am i obligated to shower beforehand (no. but HE better). it's a text message. it's from obama. (remember, i'm an idiot):

me: "it's 3:30! i am NOT sleeping with barack obama"
brain: "we're not doing this right now."
me: "how'd he get my number?"
brain: "we're not doing this right now."

i read the message. at exactly the same time, i read and forget the message. and then pass out. and no, not from the text itself. i wake up, HOURS later, and it's everywhere. obama's running mate!!!!..........JOE BIDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am sooooooo stoked! you kids in the know will remember that joe is the guy yours truly was pulling for before the primaries. i think he is super smart and he doesn't take shit! this one's a scrapper. his tongue and wit are razor-sharp and i love the idea of a real, straight-talking take-no-bullshit, off the cuff vp who's not afraid to tell truth to power or to the american people! sure, he'll stick his foot in his mouth every now and then (who doesn't?), but he's genuine and he's honest. i am ALL about this ticket!

so let's not fuck it up kids! if anyone can grasp defeat from the clutches of victory, it's the democratic party (and the alabama crimson tide). so if you're not registered to vote....for shame! do it. do it NOW!!! and ask all your friends and family the same. do it. there's no excuse and that whole "democracy means i have the right not to vote!" - that is BULLSHIT!!! and it is a flawed concept!

so hizzah, hizzah for obama and biden! go get 'em, barack! and give 'em hell, joe!! give 'em hell!

there but for the grace go i...

i've gone there. as of monday the 18th of august 2008 at 14:59:40 PM, CST, yours truly became an ordained minister with the Universal Life Church. there are only two tenets of belief in the ULC: 1. promote freedom of religion; and 2. to do that which is right. according to the documents of my ordination i can:

•perform marriages within any US state, following the rules laid out by the state in which i wish to perform said marriage

•perform funerals, baptisms, last rites or any other sort of legal ceremony or ritual i wish to perform, except circumcision

•carry the title Reverend on all legal documents including, but not limited to, passports, driving licenses, wedding and death certificates, tax forms, and court documents

•start a church of my own

i'm kinda bummed about the no circumsion part, but oh well! can't win 'em all right? i may also qualify for tax-exempt status on any income derived from my ministry. hehe...i have my own ministry. in 7-10 working days i should receive notice from the clerk of the county here in tuscaloosa, that i am registered in new jerusalem to perform said ceremonies/rituals within the free and sovereign borders of this great state. it's also legal in all 50 states, its commonwealths, territories, dominions, and dependencies. i can perform a wedding in guantanamo, bitches! it's lovely this time of year.

and i'm a reverend. i want all of you anthro kids (most of my friends are anthropologists - yes, it's tragic, i know, and a topic for another post :) to hurry up and get your degrees so we can go out and it could be like that scene from 'spies like us' when everyone's being introduced inside the tent, except it would sound like, "doctor.. doctor.. doctor.. doctor.. doctor.. doctor.. doctor.. reverend!".

well that's one goal down. next up, i may take up the veil. i'm thinking i really want to join the sisterhood and give something back to the community. it's actually always been a dream ever since hearing about them! but, there's plenty of time for that later. right now, i think i'll bask in the warm glow of being a reverend.

so, anyone getting married soon? i now where you can get an officiant for real cheaps, yo! grey goose tonics and a shot at the dj or drummer! you know me....just doing what's right, bitches!

pictured: Sisiter Roma, tSoPI

those some damn good genes!

fact #1 : puerto rico is the center of the universe. ask beckster and p-money. they're doctorologists in star-stuff. plus there is evidence to suggest that it is the location of the garden of eden.....allegedly.

fact #2 : puerto rican women are drop dead gorgeous. and deadly. ask my sister. but ask nicely, or she'll cut you......with her BEAUTY!

that out of the way, congratulations are in order, bitches! why, you ask? because our cousin, a lovely and deadly woman from the center of god's creation, has just been crowned MISS GALAXY* TEEN 2009! she's the one on the left in the green dress. i'm told the crown is valued at $5000US! i want one. i hope she let's me wear it. if she does, i promise you a picture.

felicidades, ashley perez! we're proud of you, girl! way to represent your island and family! we love ya!



*fyi - miss jupiter had a huge red spot on her ass and no, miss pluto did NOT participate - she's not even from a real planet!

gotta stay alert kids!

i just thought this would be the perfect opportunity to keep you kids on your toes (there's a reason for the content warning, sarahmarie!). so here's a completely gratuitous shot of harry potter's wand - i'd like to see him shoot a patronus out of that one!

anywhoo...it's also the perfect segue for THE NEW HARRY POTTER TRAILER!!!! OMG! it's here, and folks, it is DARK!!! if you remember the book, this is where the tale of the hogwarts trio starts to get really dark, really fast. but it's only appropriate that the kids are growing up on screen (as well as off the screen). hermione now has a rack and harry is showing off his goods. which makes me wonder, when's ron gonna show us his fire crotch?

the sweet, ever-loving, baby jesus heart of dixie - pt. 2

TOP 20 BITCHES!!! that's the billing new jerusalem's flagship institute of higher learning, THE university of alabama, received from the 2009 princeton review. actually, that last sentence is a bit misleading. we didn't make the top 20 list of BEST schools (although we are on of the 368 featured best schools in the nation). nor did we score as one of the most affordable. or the top 20 list for most diverse, the most religious (thank the gods!), the friendliest, or the most accessible faculty. nope! we went for the gold!

THE university of alabama now ranks in the top 20 in the following:

Best Athletic Facilities - #14

Students Pack the Stadiums - #17

Students Study the Least - #17

and......(drum roll)......

TOP 20 PARTY SCHOOLS! - #19

whew! we made it! good job alabama! now we need to make a concerted effort to make the top ten. that way we can match our state's ranking for infant mortality (#5), persons living below poverty level (#7), mobile homes as % of total housing (#7), and state with the most obese persons (#3)*.

go bama!!! and god bless our sweet, ever-loving, baby jesus heart of dixie...once again!



*source: 2008 statistical abstract, u.s. census bureau